December Update
I wanted to let you all in to a little bit of what’s been going on internally. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a more in depth update.
I recently posted a poetic journal entry onto my instagram feed about overcoming the internal struggle that comes with feeling lonely and isolated, even amongst good and God fearing people; this is often how I feel / have felt much of the time during the past few years. Weather on the field, or off the field, it is often still a struggle. The poem in its fullness, is a poem of victory, but it is not fluffy or light in the slightest. Its quite the opposite.
I wrote it in an unsettling manor in order to embody what the internal struggle feels like, specifically overcoming such dark and often crippling emotional pulls of loneliness and feelings of isolation.
This is where I must be honest. Sometimes, the victory throughout the everyday and mundane doesn’t even feel good. It feels like a much more frantic gasp of air, or a glass of water right before going into a heat stroke. Knowing what is of the enemy and standing firm, yet actively trading it in for what is better, nevertheless feeling the pain to the fullest extent. Like a prayer answered right before it was too late; on the verge of loosing sanity but getting a grasp at just the right time. I am more than grateful for the Lord and His grace and mercy – His forgiveness – but pushing through to the reality outside of the mirage and feelings (again) can be painful.
Stepping out of the traps that isolation and loneliness are, is often this exhausting solely for the amount of effort and discipline that is required to do so. Anyone well versed in popular New Testament scripture would connect this right to Hebrews 12:11. The victory in walking in the fruits of the spirit is painful sometimes. Discipline – according to Hebrews – is often painful. The victory in the moment that is acquired through stepping out of nasty mental spirals and choosing a new mentality is often excruciating…
BUT therefore I will strengthen my hands and knees that are beyond weak and feeble [Hebrews 12:12 paraphrased].
While it is often maddening and a large task to step into what is known to be good, and known from God’s word to bring life, you can see in the later half what is the subjects response to the chaos and insanity that plagues them. They (although in some sort of pain) decide to bite through what is holding them back while refusing to accept or be complacent with the facade and flawed lenses they’re seeing through. They decide to break it down, push it back, and trade it for what is better – for what they know will bring life.
Below is the poem I speak of in its entirety. It is not bright, or soft, but it is real and in it there is victory. A glimpse of hope among what must be overcome. This is a small glimpse into what goes through my mind, past and present; there is no mountain so big as to stand between the Father and I as His own.
S I T T I N G
Alone
…at the end of a table.
Every seat occupied and
I can hear every word
from every mouth
But it’s so big that I
can’t be a part of the dialogue.
I have tried
and failed
to sit elsewhere
Tried and failed
to speak
in languages that I know
I understand,
but nevertheless cannot speak.
Tried and failed to start
a new conversation
Tried and failed even to
excuse myself from the insanity.
Because
I’m sitting alone…
This table will soon know
my teeth as the saw,
And my words
the knife
with which I use to cut through the
Bones on my plate that will soon be
Broken
On the ground
