Honest Update

 

Here in Costa Rica, things have been moving extremely fast! Last week we found out we will be flying to the Dominican Republic, we’ve worked for a month and a half now at our ministry connection, and God is moving beyond what our little human minds can put together. Of course, because of covid, things look a little different, but I really just wanted to take some time to glorify the Lord in this unique piece of free time I have to sit and write. 

 

As you have probably concluded, this season for me has been difficult. One of my biggest prayers was/is that the Lord would break apart in me every piece that is not of Him. Every ounce of anything that’s holding me back. Numerous times have I received feedback regarding my inability to receive the love [ahavah] of the Father, that I fail to walk in the freedom and redemption He gives, and that I am trying to run away from the roots of pain in my life. As He is God, and as He keeps His promises, so He stood to begin the redemption and healing He promised.  

 

I truly (just as previously stated) wanted to take this moment and thank the Lord for his faithfulness. For his love even when it cannot be understood. For his providence and promises. While in all honesty it is hard to come before the Lord with an attitude of thankfulness, it is still my joy to do so. 

 

God is faithful. 

 

He is our provider – our Abba, Father, and Redeemer. For those of you back home who are willing, please pray to intercede on my behalf. Below is a poem that I’ve written in the somewhat recent past, and I wanted to share it with you. Currently, I am in the process of living out the final three words. 

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I’m Not Able…  

To finish this project. 
This life. 
This journey. 

I’m angry. 
I’m blessed.  

My shoulders and posture 
Are diminishing as my soul 
Sinks and falls down 
Farther into the crater 
Lying beneath my 
Chest. 

I have torn my clothes 
Before God and 
Screamed until my state of 

Rage 

Just crumbles and reveals 
What exactly lies beneath. 

Confusion 

Brokenness 

And the consequences of 
Having control. 

I have no desire to continue. 
My strength is that equivalent
To the butterflies that 
Flutter over roses and 
Chrysanthemums. 

I have my eyes fixed so now 
Tell me why these waves are 
Blocking my view.  

The mountain that I’m on is 
Volcanic. And I 
Want it to 

Erupt. 

Now. 

I’m wandering in this waiting. 
I’m crumbling in this confusion.
I’m beating myself
in this Brokenness. 
I’m being killed 
in these consequences 
Of Having control. 

Maybe I should say 
Side-effects. 

I can’t let go. I can’t. 
It’s too hard. And 

I’m not able. 

Between my temples is 
No longer a place for 
Uplifting and encouraging 
Thoughts, 
Because my frontal lobe is 
Haywire and heating the 
Wire. My emotions are 
Burdens which in 

My mind, 

Must be suppressed. 

The weight on my shoulders 
Continues to grow. 

Regret proceeds. 
Condemnation follows. 

Captivity… 

Where is my freedom? 
My redemption from these 
Demons...? 

The lies they’ve served me 
Up to this point, are 
Sufficient. Quite so 
Much more than enough, and 

I’ve 

Had 

Enough.